Au Pair House Rules: A Practical Guide for South African Families

22 October 2026

Good house rules for an au pair are short, written down, explained and agreed together in the first week. They cover the children’s routine, phones and screens, guests, car use, safety at the door and what happens when something goes wrong. They work best as a shared agreement, not a list of orders. This guide shows you what to include, what you can’t ask for, and how to bring it up without making the first week awkward.

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TL;DR

Write your rules down, keep them to one or two pages and go through them together in the first week.
Explain the reason behind each rule. People keep rules they understand.
Separate working hours from private time. Your au pair’s evenings, friends and days off are largely their own business, within sensible limits about the home and the children’s safety.
Put the non-negotiables in writing: child safety, the door, driving, and who may be in the house while the children are there.
Agree on how you’ll review the rules after a month, and check references and credentials yourself before anyone moves in.

Why house rules matter more than you think
What you can and can’t ask for
The rules most families write down
A sample house rules sheet
How to introduce the rules without it feeling like a lecture
Before the rules: choosing the right person
Our perspective: rules are how trust starts
Finding the right au pair on AuPairly
FAQ
Sources

Why house rules matter more than you think

An au pair joins your household, shares your kitchen and sees your family on its worst mornings. Most friction in the first month isn’t about big things. It’s about small, unspoken expectations: who may use the car, whether a friend can pop in, what happens at bath time, when the phone goes away.

Clear rules take the guesswork out. They also protect the relationship. When you’ve agreed on something in advance, a reminder is just a reminder, not a personal criticism.

The best guidance we’ve seen says the same thing: treat the document as a collaborative agreement rather than a restrictive list, and go through it in the first week so both sides understand it. That matches what we hear from families who use AuPairly.

What you can and can’t ask for

Many parents assume that because the au pair lives with them, they can control everything: who visits, when they come home, what they do on a Saturday. In South Africa the law doesn’t see it that way. It distinguishes between working hours and private time, and forcing restrictions on visitors or off-duty movement tends to lead to high turnover and legal friction.

That doesn’t leave you powerless. It means your rules should focus on three things:

The children’s safety and routine while your au pair is on duty.
Shared spaces and household habits, such as the kitchen, noise and tidiness.
Reasonable notice, such as telling you when they’ll be home late or away overnight, so you know who is in the house.

Rules that try to run your au pair’s private life usually backfire. Rules that protect the children and the home are easy to defend.

Hours, leave and written terms

House rules sit alongside a proper employment arrangement. Under Sectoral Determination 7, a domestic worker may not be required to work more than 45 hours in a week, with daily limits of 9 hours (or 8 hours if they work more than five days a week). Every domestic worker should also receive written particulars of employment, because a verbal arrangement isn’t enough. The same guide covers paid leave, so check it before you finalise your agreement.

If your au pair lives in, your home also has to be suitable. Our guide on making au pair accommodation lawful in South Africa walks through the steps. For what your au pair should and shouldn’t be doing in the day, see au pair duties in South Africa. Au pair work is childcare, not heavy housework, and your house rules should say so.

For pay, we don’t quote figures in articles because they depend on hours, location and experience. Use our salary guides for Johannesburg and Cape Town instead.

The rules most families write down

Here are the headings we see on most good house-rule sheets. Take what fits your home and drop the rest.

1. Daily rhythm and the children’s routine

Spell out the basics: wake-up time, school run, meals, homework, bath and bedtime. If you want a certain approach to naps, snacks or sweets, say so. It’s the single most useful section, and it’s the one that helps a new au pair feel confident quickly.

Add the practical details too: where the first-aid kit is, who to call if a child is unwell, and where you can be reached. Babysitting guidance from Essex County Council makes the same point: it’s your responsibility to make sure the person looking after your child has everything they need, including a contact number and a time you’ll be back.

2. Phones and screens

Two separate questions here. First, the children’s screen time: how long, which programmes, whether screens are allowed at meals. Second, your au pair’s own phone use while on duty. Most families agree something simple, like phones are fine during nap time but not while playing with or supervising the children, especially near water, roads or the stove.

3. Guests and visitors

This is where families and au pairs most often disagree, so be specific and keep it fair. Many families settle on something like this:

Friends can visit when the au pair is off duty, with a heads-up.
No visitors in the house while the au pair is looking after the children, unless you’ve agreed otherwise.
Overnight guests need to be discussed in advance, not announced on the day.
Anyone who comes into the home is introduced to you first.

Explain the reason: you’re responsible for who is around your children, and you’d like to know who is in your house. Most au pairs find that reasonable. A blanket ban on visitors in their own free time usually isn’t.

4. Going out and coming home

Your au pair can go out in the evening and sleep at a friend’s place. What you can reasonably ask for is a message if they won’t be home, so you’re not worried at midnight. Also agree that they’re rested and ready on mornings when they’re on duty. Frame it around the children’s morning, not a curfew.

5. Car use and transport

If the au pair will drive your children, put it all in writing: whether they have a valid licence, which car, school-run routes only or personal trips too, who pays for fuel, and what happens after an accident or a fine. Check the licence yourself. If they won’t drive, agree how they’ll get to the shops, the park or the clinic, and how safe their journey is in the evening.

6. Kitchen, food and shared spaces

Decide what your au pair can help themselves to, whether they cook for themselves, and how you’ll handle cleaning up. Be realistic about housework. Tidying up after the children is fair. Running the whole household is not part of the role.

7. Noise, privacy and their own room

A good example from the guidance we looked at: ask for quiet after 22:00 because the children are asleep, and say that’s the reason. Then respect your au pair’s space. Knock before entering their room, and agree when you’ll need access, for example for maintenance.

8. Smoking, alcohol and substances

Say plainly that there’s no smoking or vaping inside, and that alcohol or anything else that affects their judgement is off the table while they’re on duty or responsible for the children later that day. Keep it matter-of-fact.

9. Safety at home and at the door

Your au pair should know your home’s security system, who is allowed to collect the children and what to do if someone unexpected rings the bell. The South African Police Service advises that children should be taught not to open doors to strangers and to call a parent or a trusted neighbour if they feel threatened. Make sure your au pair knows those same steps, and tell your children that the rule applies to everyone.

Put these numbers on the fridge: SAPS Crime Stop on 08600 10 111, and the Department of Social Development’s 24-hour command centre on 0800 428 428 for child safety concerns (both as listed on the SAPS child safety pages).

If water is part of your family life, agree rules for pools, beaches and baths too. This guide to teaching children to swim safely is a useful starting point for what to teach your children, though it’s based on programmes in Singapore, so check local lessons near you.

10. Emergencies and who to call

Write out your contact details, a second adult, the family doctor, the nearest hospital and your medical aid details. Add what counts as an emergency and what can wait for a message.

A sample house rules sheet

Use this as a starting point. Keep it to one page and change the words to sound like you.

Area	A fair starting point	The reason you give
Mornings	Ready and downstairs by an agreed time on duty days	The school run depends on it
Phones	Away while supervising the children	Their full attention is the point
Visitors	Off-duty visits fine with notice; none during childcare	You’re responsible for who is around the children
Overnight guests	Talk to us first	We all want to know who is in the house
Driving	Only with a valid licence, on agreed trips	Insurance and the children’s safety
Quiet time	After 22:00	The children are asleep
Front door	Never open for strangers; call us	Child safety
Time away	A message if you won’t be home	So we don’t worry

How to introduce the rules without it feeling like a lecture

Do it early, but not in the first five minutes. Let your au pair arrive, settle in and have a cup of tea first.
Sit down together. Hand over the sheet and talk it through. Ask what they’d like to add.
Give reasons, not just rules. Rules with a why build far more trust than bare instructions.
Write down what you agree. Both of you keep a copy, next to the written employment terms.
Check in after a month. Ask what’s working and what isn’t. Change what needs changing.
Say thank you. It’s easy to remember the rules and forget to notice what’s going well.

Watch your own tone, too. Treating your au pair like a servant, or ignoring them as part of the family, are the quickest ways to sour things. Include them in family life, and invite their questions.

Before the rules: choosing the right person

Rules help, but they can’t replace good judgement at the start. Take your time with the selection stage.

Read the profile properly. Our post on five profile details that save time shows what to look for.
Interview with real questions. Our copy-ready interview questions include questions about boundaries and routines, which are a good bridge into house rules.
Check qualifications. See what families look for in au pair qualifications.
Speak to the references. Every au pair on AuPairly provides 3 references. Call them.

The SAPS has long advised parents to do a background check on any childminder they employ, and the final checks are always yours. We review profiles for completeness, quality and authenticity before they go live, and that is a quality gate, not a background check. If you want extra peace of mind, we offer optional add-on checks, covered below.

Our perspective: rules are how trust starts

We’re a small team, and we talk to families and au pairs every week. The pattern is simple. Families who have a conversation early, in plain words, have fewer problems later. Families who say nothing and hope for the best end up with a pile of small resentments.

So we’d say this. Write fewer rules than you think you need. Make each one about the children, the home or basic respect. Explain why. And treat the sheet as something you’ll both edit.

We’d also say that your au pair is a person with a life, not just a pair of hands. The families who keep their au pairs longest are the ones who remember that. They’re clear about what they need, and generous about everything else.

A note on babysitting: if you use AuPairly for the odd evening or last-minute cover rather than a regular arrangement, a short version of the same sheet still helps. Cover the bedtime routine, the door, phones, visitors and your contact details, and keep it on the fridge.

— Nicole

Finding the right au pair on AuPairly

When you’re ready to hire, you can browse admin-reviewed profiles, filter by city and province, and message au pairs directly, with no agency fees. Au pairs join and message families for free. Families pay for access: 7-Day Access is R249 per week and 30-Day Access is R449 per month. If you’d like extra checks, optional add-ons include ID, reference and qualification checks, and a criminal record check, each priced separately on our partner plans page. You can also browse au pairs by area.

FAQ

What are au pairs not allowed to do?

They shouldn’t be asked to work beyond the hours you’ve agreed, or to take on heavy housework that isn’t part of childcare. They also shouldn’t be made to follow rules about their private time that have nothing to do with the children. Our duties guide explains where the line sits.

Can I stop my au pair from having friends over?

You can set sensible limits, such as no visitors while the children are in their care and a heads-up for overnight guests. A complete ban in their free time is hard to defend and often leads to the au pair leaving. Agree it together, with your reasons.

Should I put house rules in writing?

Yes. A one or two page sheet that you both keep avoids arguments about what was said. Keep it alongside the written particulars of employment that every domestic worker should receive.

Do the same rules apply to a babysitter?

The basics do: routine, the door, phones, visitors and your contact details. A babysitter for one evening needs a shorter sheet, but the same clear instructions, and you should still check who you’re letting into your home.